


It's a new day and you deal (until you can't deal anymore)

by Narya



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Season 3 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-16
Updated: 2012-05-16
Packaged: 2017-11-05 12:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/406308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narya/pseuds/Narya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you are five your dad is your hero. Your dad is your hero, and you are his best sidekick. But then you grow older.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's a new day and you deal (until you can't deal anymore)

**It’s a new day, and you deal.**

**(Until you can’t deal anymore)**

 

 

**  
**

 

When you are five your dad is your hero. You spend all your time with him, or you wish you did, and when he comes home from work you run into his arms and tell him all those things you did during the day, the way that dog chased you and how your nana gave you a really ugly sweater and everything is an adventure.

Your dad is your hero, and you are his best sidekick.

But then you grow older, and maybe you pay more attention to the things that happen around you. Your hearing its more familiarized to some things so you listen more closely when you notice them. You hear the voices rising, and the screaming starting, you hide in your bed waiting for a door to slam and then another, and then the tires of the car screeching on the asphalt as your drunk hero goes away again.

You listen to your mom crying and your sister wailing on the room next to yours, and you just know that you have to do something to fix what you can. So you get up, you go to your sister and you hold her, because there’s nothing to do about your mom, she never really does anything but cry, and after a while you realize you are just losing your time trying to help her stand up.

And then it happens again.

And again.

Soon your hero has fallen of his pedestal and he has turned into nothing but a drunken guy that comes whenever he wants to go home, throws some money at your mom (that he has to take because all money is useful when you don’t have it) and expects to be loved just because of it.

Slowly you start to hate everything he implies.

You realize what a loser he is and you hate it when someone tells you how much you too look alike.

You realize that all those things you didn’t know as a child are things that you wish you didn’t know now, because one thing is to know your dad is a jerk and another to know how much of a jerk he was.

You swear to yourself you are going to be better, you’ll be so much better than him, you’ll be your own person. You’ll protect your sister and your mom (even though she doesn’t give a damn about anything anymore), and you’ll be a good kid.

And then he comes back home again, after months being absent.

He comes back home, drunk of his ass, talking about how hard life is for him, how he hates everything he does, how his life would be so much better with having you, and your mom, and your sister dragging him to the ground.

You think for a few seconds what in the world must this man thinking, how the hell you can drag him down when he is not even there, and then he starts with the insults and the rage.

Plates get broken and the screaming starts in a house that didn’t have them for so long.

Your sister starts crying, and your mom is a sobbing mess in her bedroom, and you, barely thirteen then, decide it’s too much and asks him to leave.

That’s the first time you get beaten.

He slaps you and he throws you to the ground, but you refuse to cry. You just get up again and stand your ground. You ask him to leave or you are calling the cops. You ask him to leave with tears running down your face, and it doesn’t matter if that guy calls you a girl. He can call you whatever he wants as long as he leaves and never comes back again.

You are the man of the house now, and even if your mom it’s still a sobbing mess who doesn’t seem to care much about anything, taking refuge in religion and bigger messes than hers, you still have your sister to take care of. And you decide you are never going to let that jerk put a hand on you, or anyone in your family, again.

You start working out, and running for as far as you can, you start lifting weights so your arms are bigger than his ever were, and god help him if that jerk decides to slap you again, now you are not going to take any of him bullshit.

And then… comparisons start again.

You are so much like him when he was younger, you really look like your dad, your sister and you look nothing like the other.

By then you don’t know how to separate yourself from his shadow, and it seems every turn you make he is there, screwing you up again.

But, high school comes then.

You have never really liked studying, you are more of a hands in the matter person, you like working on practical stuff, you can make tables and chairs, you can clean a pool, you can wield a pretty badass gate, but you don’t like reading stuff because sitting down and reading means ending up thinking about stuff, and you always end up remembering things you don’t want to.

Like the insults, like the fights, like that certainty your father seemed to have when he told you that you were nothing more than garbage.

And you really wished you didn’t think those things, just like you wished you weren’t startled every time a car goes down the street that sounds like his.

But you do, so you don’t study, you don’t sleep at night either and you spend most of the day sleepy, but it doesn’t matter because time is running and soon enough you’ll do something with yourself. You’ll finish high school and you’ll go away, disappearing forever from all your troubles.

Because you tried sticking around but your mom obviously doesn’t care if you do or you don’t, and your sister is busier with her friends than you. You aren’t needed anymore.

But then you screw up.

And it’s a mistake and a blessing. Sure, you never wanted to be a father so young, hell, you didn’t even picture yourself as a father, but you can do a better job at it than yours. But the choice isn’t yours.

You are not going to ask Quinn to raise a child with you if that’s not what she wants.

So you lose her, and you lose Beth, and you lose your best friend.

And soon it’s like all you ever gained is going down the drain.

You are just like your father; you are just as stupid as he was.

And you end up in Juvie.

And no one can hate you then more than you hate yourself, because you hate the life you have and you wonder each day why must it be you that has to have everything taken from him. You really are nothing, you are worthless, and most probable thing is that no one misses you when you miss them all.

But you are done; you are just going to deal. It’s just two more years and then you can go away. Maybe things will get better in time, maybe you can fix what little is fixable. You sure as hell are going to try to.

And somehow, some of it is fixed.

You make friends with guys you used to torment when you were felt more anger than anything else. You put your talent where you know you have it, sure, maybe you shouldn’t sleep with those ladies but you don’t like to be alone and they seem to appreciate you even if just for a while, so sue you. You like getting a bit of attention that doesn’t imply someone screaming at you.

And, maybe your glee club loses nationals. You still got to go to nationals, which is more than you managed in football all those years. Besides, you got to go to another city, out of Ohio, out of your bounds, and you loved it.

That freedom, being in that big city on your own? That what you want for yourself.

Maybe not New York, ‘cause it looks kinda cold and not a place for anyone that doesn’t live singing, but you could go somewhere warm, with pools, somewhere where you knew you could make something out of what you already know how to do.

And then a new school year starts.

And then you see her again, Beth.

She is beautiful, the most precious little girl you have ever seen. And she likes you.

She smiles when she sees you (which she doesn’t do with anyone else), and you would do anything to be with her, to be able to raise her, and to see her eyes shine and your once did when you thought your father was your hero.

And for a while, you have it.

Until you don’t.

Until you screw it up again.

Until Shelby leaves and takes Beth with her, with the promise that you can see her, but it would be better if you didn’t saw each other for a while.

And it’s a whole lot of bull.

And you think about escaping again, because once again Ohio has turned into your prison. Sometimes you feel like Ohio is too little for you, too stupid, too full of memories you want to leave behind, and you need to leave.

You look around you and you see people finding their way, making mistakes, fighting to do the same thing you want.

And you see your best friend, the one that you thought you had lost, drowning under the pressure. You can see it in his eyes, because it’s the same look you have ever time you glance in a mirror. You offer him a chance, because that’s what a friend does.

Maybe California.

It’s a big city; there must be lots of pools. And having a friend wouldn’t make that big city seem so scary.

But he won’t do it.

Sure, it’s the whole true love thing that Kurt was talking about on Valentine’s Day (and look how well that has been working for him, yeah, that’s sarcasm), but whatever, you’d deal. You just have to deal.

Until things start crumbling around you.

And suddenly you might not graduate.

And you dad appears in your life again, after years of being gone, asking for money.

And you only have enough to leave, enough to pay for your ticket and that is it, it’s not even a round trip, you weren’t thinking about coming back, but he is asking you for the money…

And the possibility of him going home later, asking your mom for the money, hell, and asking your sister for it when she doesn’t even remember that she has a father… You’d rather give him the money and hoping he goes away as soon as he can.

But then, more pressing matters come forth.

And suddenly it seems you are flunking out, and you see yourself standing in front of Beth talking about broken dreams and money to pay the rest, and excusing yourself on how hard it is for a man to swallow his balls and ask for money…

And you can’t with that idea.

Hell, you’ve seen people who you thought were a bit less manly than you going against the world, with their heads held high. Kurt, little bugger as he is, has shown him you can be stronger than the world thinks of you.

And he is the one to point him forward to his friends, to the dudes, the guys who have had his back even when he hasn’t been the best (because he would never be the best, he is just not cut for that), and you ask for help.

Going against the same words your dad has just told you, you ask for help.

Knowing it doesn’t make you any less of a man, just a desperate one.

And yet, even though you put all you have into it, even when your ears are still ringing with your father’s words, even though you, for once, put the effort of studying when you know you are not cut for it, you fail.

And it’s the end of everything.

It’s over.

You are done dealing.

Because until now you had your dreams, as small as they were, and your hopes, and now you know you are nothing more than a carbon copy of the same kind of garbage your father was.

And it seems like nothing you can do is good, and you can get nothing right, and even when you think you are taking a step in the right direction you are ridiculed…

And you are done.

You can’t fight it anymore.

You are done dealing.

You are done.

You are done.

You are done.

You are done.

You are done.

You are nothing more than garbage.

 

 

 

 


End file.
